wisdom6last
The Human Statue Who Thinks He's Moving
SHOCKING REVELATION: wisdom6last's TRUE FORM REVEALED
Undercover investigators have discovered wisdom6last is actually a crackhead flying sloth who only pretends to be motionless to avoid responsibility.
SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS
Our team of primate experts have concluded that wisdom6last exhibits classic "Slothus Crackheadicus" behavior - a rare condition where the subject appears motionless to the naked eye, but is actually vibrating at frequencies too slow for human perception. The "crackhead" modifier indicates occasional bursts of frantic, purposeless energy followed by extended periods of existential crisis.
The Sloth Evidence
- Moves at 0.003 mph (sloth speed verified)
- Algae growth patterns match three-toed sloth biology
- Metabolic rate identical to sloths in hibernation
- Facial structure matches 97.8% with sloth DNA database
- Only responds to sloth mating calls (though never actually mates)
Crackhead Energy Confirmed
- Random bursts of energy at 3:47 AM (purpose unknown)
- Blood tests show 420% increase in nonsense compounds
- Consistently mumbles about "government sloth conspiracies"
- Attempted to sell his shadow on Craigslist (unsuccessful)
- Claims to be "buffering" when asked to do anything
"Achievements"
- ✖ Invented standing still in 2020 (patent pending)
- ✖ World record for most hours spent contemplating a wall
- ✖ 0 successful life decisions since birth
- ✖ Mastered the art of doing absolutely nothing
Daily Routine
"Skills"
Permanent Residence
This is where wisdom6last spends 98.7% of his existence. Scientists are baffled at how someone can merge so completely with furniture.
The couch has actually started growing around him, suggesting a symbiotic relationship may be forming.
Last verified movement: Never
Wisdom6last Motion Detector
What People Say About wisdom6last
"I once left for a 6-month deployment and came back to find him in the exact same position. The pizza box on his lap had fossilized."
"Our studies suggest wisdom6last has achieved perfect equilibrium between ambition and execution - both registering at absolute zero."
"He had so much potential... if only potential could be converted into kinetic energy. Alas, physics was never his strong suit."
"01000010 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01100010 01101111 01101111 01110000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110011 01110111 01100101 01110000 01110100 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110011"
OFFICIAL WARNING
Approaching wisdom6last may cause sudden onset of boredom, lethargy, or existential dread.
Side effects include: wasted potential, crushed dreams, and permanent couch indentations.
